A clusterfuck isn’t an orgy in a cupboard, it’s a military term used to describe a bungled operation. Just as a cluster-bomb throws at out a number of smaller bombs when it explodes, a clusterfuck means a screw-up – probably due to disorganization – that causes a lot of other problems. Such fallout can easily occur in companies that outsource.
Cossack party
I purchased a flat that looked as if Cossacks had been having a party in it for several years. Buried beneath the litter was a disconnected, ancient yellow gas meter that looked like something from an early Dr. Who episode. I asked my builder to dump it, but he warned me that if I did so, the energy company might charge rent for it…forever. It was then that he gloomily predicted a clusterfuck.
Yellow peril
The energy company cheerfully agreed to collect their yellow gas meter…but they didn’t. I wasn’t allowed to deliver it to them for health & safety reasons. Many weeks and many departments later, I threatened to counter-charge rent for my hall, where the yellow peril waited, a health & safety menace to visitors. Recognizing that I would have to live with it for a while, I decorated the gas meter for Easter. The next day, it was collected.
At least I learned a new noun.
Finance
What to do in a financial crisis?
The entire Western world is in an inflation spiral cause by bankers gambling with other people’s money and vote-fishing politicians borrowing recklessly to finance their pet projects.
All the world’s main currencies are government-manipulated, and the easiest way for politicians to get rid of these debts is by simply printing more money, which makes money worth less and – as they well know – causes inflation. It’s like watering the milk: there’s more liquid, but it’s lost some of its value as milk.
What to do?
Invest in hard assets – stuff you can see, touch and use. A good excuse to shop. Buy futures in the best, warmest winter coat you can afford (for when you can’t afford heating) and the best quality tote bag (not smaller than A4 or magazine size). The ones I purchased in the 1974 Financial Crisis are still being used: back then, the real-blonde crocodile bag cost £40, so a good investment.
Go shopping
My second husband’s second wife, fashion designer Jinty, is a brilliant shopper. We go shopping with my to-buy list and at the end of the trip, everything has been crossed off my list, I have purchased nothing and I am happy. Then Jinty takes me to lunch at the Wolseley. Afterwards, she guides me to the one perfect item.
Time savers
Jinty checks Net a Porter every morning (I dare not - too tempting) and when we last spoke, she was fresh from a visit to Harvey Nichols. “Saw nothing mouthwatering – not even for thin people – so caught the 22 bus home.”
Jinty’s philosophy is to buy the best whether it’s in a cheap or an expensive range. Right now, she tips:
- Cashmere sweaters from UNIQLO, from £49.99 in their sale. (www.uniqlo.com/uk)
- Goosedown puffer jackets from MAXMARA. (www.maxmara.com)
- Bags from JP TOD’S. (tods.com)
- Good leather jackets from ACNE, the Swedish firm who do big sizes (difficult to find in leather). (www.acnestudios.com)
Lazy Cook
Reputation Maker Sauce
Good to accompany beef sautéed (fried) in frying pan (hamburgers, chops etc).
Time taken: less than a minute.
This quantity: for two, or one greedy person.
Ingredients
- 1 tablespoon Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
- 1 tablespoon cream, double or single.
Method
- Remove cooked meat from frying pan, remove pan from heat. With a wooden spoon, quickly stir in the Worcestershire sauce, then the cream. Pour.
(Exit Stage Right)
My friend, Enid Chanelle, in her nineties, died on 19 February 2012. I find that I can’t feel sad, because every time I think of Enid – one of the most beautiful women I’ve met – I remember her laughing.
In spring, there will be a memorial at her favourite theatre – the elegant Theatre Royal in London’s Haymarket, part of a chain of theatres of which Enid was President.
Once, during a first night performance, Enid had to deal with some backstage drama. She sent a message to me, sitting in the audience: please would I go to her box and entertain her friend during the interval. Sitting in the box was Princess Alexandra.
I foresee a problem in the spring. No theatre is big enough to hold all Enid’s friends.
Support Your Tote Bags
Anne Robinson - yes, that one - wants more wardrobe tips.
Care for your tote bags and stop them flopping sideways with magazine dividers, which are like book-ends, only bigger, and heavier. You need one per bag. Here is a photo of mine.
Cost about £7 from Amazon UK (link). Search ‘large bookends’.
When tote bags not in use, fill with a flimsy supermarket bag, stuffed with crumpled paper. When you want to use the tote, just lift out the plastic bag and leave it on the shelf, in the tote bag’s place.
Helping Hand
35 years ago, Prince Charles started the Prince’s Trust, which has helped 650,000 young people get on their feet, train and get jobs – that’s about 70 young people helped every working day for 35 years.
Prince Charles has also established seventeen other charities. In all, they raise over £100 million every year, to help people.
Prince Charles doesn’t top the popularity charts in Britain, but he’s possibly doing more than film star Paul Newman, who is still revered in America for raising money for charity through his food manufacturing company.
To be fair, isn’t it time someone gave Prince Charles an award?
Prince’s Trust website: www.princes-trust.org.uk
Prince of Wales’ website: www.princeofwales.gov.uk
To pack or not to pack it?
Do you have luggage problems? Once, standing at the airport carousel, I saw a flurry of pretty underwear coming down the chute. Poor woman, I thought, then recognized the nightgown. My cheap suitcase had burst open.
Silvery suitcases
A novelist has to tour a lot, so as soon as I made some money, I ordered two of those expensive silvery suitcases, upon which baggage handlers can tap-dance without denting them – I had read that George Clooney traveled with fourteen of them. Later I discovered that they each weighed the complete baggage allowance when empty and the inside was perfectly planned – for a man: it was like an exasperating computer programme, you couldn’t deviate from it for your personal requirements: the shirts went in the shirt place, the pants went in the pant place and the underwear place allowed only a couple of
y-fronts.
Shortly afterwards, when a New York cab driver admired them, I said, “You can have them if you buy me two tough, canvas suitcases.” He did, and years later, I’m still using them.
Traveling light
I despair when I look at packing lists of friends who whizz halfway around the world with only hand luggage, a cashmere shawl and Chanel sunglasses.
Packing plan 1
Actress and National Treasure, Joanna Lumley’s miniscule packing plan was for a trip that was half camping in tents, half formal (an embassy visit). Her colour plan was black, white, khaki and one bright colour – pink (but it could have been purple or lime green). She took three pairs of comfortable trousers, two warm sweaters, t-shirts in plain colours, a lightweight, hooded rain-proof jacket, three bras, three pants, three cotton neckscarves and pyjamas. She added a warm jacket, in case the weather was colder than she expected. Her formal outfit was all-black: heels, skirt, cover-up top, plus an interesting evening clutch and string of pearls or handsome necklace.
Packing plan 2
Once I flew sitting next to the owner of a travel agency, who she said she only ever traveled with on-board hand luggage because of the airport luggage holdups and losses. She showed me her bag. Inside was a change of beige underwear, two silk blouses, two no-crush silk jersey dresses, one crimson sweater, two pairs of navy pants plus two bikinis. She had flip flops, navy ballet shoes, one pair of really classy high heels, and a light, rain-proof egg-yellow jacket that rolled up into itself. She slept in a T-shirt. She traveled in a heavy wool jacket, skirt, plus sturdy walking shoes, and carried her heavy overcoat.
Packing plan 3
My packing prize goes to the late Jacqueline Onassis who once went to Cambodia on a short, jungle trip to see ruined temples with: her lover, two pairs black pants, two black shirts, black espadrilles, a gold jacket and gold sandals for evenings, two scarves, spare sunglasses and a change of underwear.
MODESTY?
Is it time we called the land we live in simply ‘Britain’ or should we start calling other countries, ‘Great Sweden’, ‘Great France’ or ‘Great Irian Jaya’?
On the Beach!
I’m off to the beach. I’m the one on the left.
How to reach me
I’d love to hear from you. Please send any questions or comments to reply@shirleyconran.com